Marriage Family Counselor

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

STARTING DOWN THE ROAD TOWARDS ROMANCE Part II
Many couples love each other deeply, and genuinely enjoy each others' company, yet feel that the relationship is stale. They long for some of the old intensity, romance, and spontaneity.
Others don't see the need for that intensity, or even believe that it's possible to feel that again. They assume that intensity exists only at the beginning of a relationship, and that "mature love" is more settled and less exciting.
While how we feel toward each other certainly changes and evolves over the years, the truth is that our relationships reflect what we put into them.
Children can be so carefree and loving because they have lived for just a few years-a much shorter time in which to accumulate negative experiences and build up feelings of resentment, anger, and mistrust.
Relationships are similar to this. In the beginning, we don't know each other very well, and aren't carrying around resentments from past interactions with each other. As the years go by, these resentments accumulate. We no longer look at our partner with the same fresh, un-judging eyes.
So what do you do? Retreating into your own worlds will only serve to damage the marriage more. There are several things you can do to regain the romance, but it has to start within each of you. Both of you must be willing to give a little in order to get back that fire that was there before your wedding day and just afterwards.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN DANGER? Part I
Marriages rarely die overnight. Almost always, the destruction of a marriage happens little by little, over time. Ideally, if trouble arises in your marriage, you and your spouse should be able to respond to problems before they cause serious damage to your relationship. You can then either work things out and remain married, or make a mutual decision to separate or get divorced.
However, if your marriage is in serious trouble, any discussion, cooperation, or compromise may be impossible, and you may have no option but to end it yourself, possibly against your spouse's wishes.
When you are having marriage problems, whether they are big or small, the sooner you face facts and decide what to do about them the better. Burying your head in the sand when it comes to marital woes won't make your problems go away. In fact, they'll probably just get worse.
You may find yourself replaying old arguments, resurrecting old hurts, crying a lot, or becoming consumed with anger when your marriage is in trouble. Those responses can quickly turn small problems into big ones and cause you to lose all perspective when it comes to your spouse and your marriage.
Furthermore, when you let your emotions get out of control, it becomes difficult if not impossible for you to identify and realistically assess all the options you have for dealing with your troubles.
To help bring some objectivity and common sense to your situation so that you can gain a true appreciation of just how bad (or not so bad) things really are, consider some of the more common signs of a marriage in crisis, such as infidelity and contempt.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

Why Marriages Fail? Part II
In the past, a divorce was difficult to obtain. Only under extreme circumstances such as abuse or adultery were you granted a divorce. Then the courts started allowing irreconcilable differences as a reason to divorce and then the no-fault divorce came along. This meant all you had to do was live apart from your spouse for 6 months and then you could get a divorce without anyone taking on the blame.
Now, a divorce is easier to get than a drivers license. You can even download divorce papers on the internet these days. Fill them out, get signatures, and file with the court. Poof, youre no longer married. Sometimes this can be accomplished in the same day.
Think its a travesty? Maybe it is. But its reality. So why do marriages fail?
While the answers to that question are many, there is a growing body of research to suggest there are four negative risk factors that create barriers to oneness in marriage and increase a couple's chances for marital failure.
First, negative behavior patterns can have a hugely negative impact on a marriage. This occurs when partners respond negatively to each other continually upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile.
When a conversation escalates into an argument, this creates tension that can eat away at a marriage. Each negative comment increases the level of anger and frustration, and soon a small disagreement blows up into a major fight.
Escalation can develop in two different ways. The first is a major shouting fight that may erupt over a conflict as small as putting the cap back on the toothpaste. As the battle heats up the partners get more and more angry, saying mean things about each other.
Frequently there are threats to end the relationship. Over time those angry words damage oneness, and angry threats to leave begin to seem like prophecy. Once negative comments are made, they are hard to take back and drive a knife into the partner's heart.
These reckless words can do great damage to a marriage because when an argument escalates, every comment and vulnerability becomes fair game. Concerns, failings, and past mistakes can now be used by the attacking partner. Oneness and intimacy can be shattered quickly by a few reckless words.
You may be thinking, "We don't fight like cats and dogs." And while that may be true, your marriage may still have this risk factor. Damaging escalation is not always dramatic. Voices do not have to be raised for couples to get into a cycle of returning negative for negative.
Conflict over paying the rent, taking out the garbage, running errands that result in muttering to oneself, rolling your eyes, or throwing up your hands can also be examples of escalation.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

Why Marriages Fail? Part Iv
When a relationship becomes more distressed, the negative interpretations mount and help create an environment of hopelessness. The attacked partner gives up trying to make himself or herself clear and becomes demoralized.
Another kind of negative interpretation is mind reading. Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she did something. Nearly everyone is guilty of mind reading at some time or other. And when you mind read positively, it does not tend to do much harm. But when you mind read on the negative side, it can spell trouble for a marriage.
Negative interpretations are hard to detect and counteract. Research shows that in distressed marriages there is a tendency for partners to discount the positive things they see, attributing them to causes such as chance rather than to positive characteristics of the partner. That is why negative interpretations do not change easily.
Finally, there is withdrawal and avoidance. These are two different manifestations of the problem wherein a partner is unwilling to get in or stay in a discussion that is too threatening.
Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as 'turning off' or 'shutting down' during an argument. The withdrawer often tends to get quiet during an argument, look away, or agree quickly to a partner's suggestion just to end the conversation, with no real intention of following through
Avoidance reflects the same reluctance to get into certain discussions, with more emphasis on the attempt to not let the conversation happen in the first place. A person prone to avoidance would prefer that the topic not come up and, if it does, may manifest the signs of withdrawal just described.
In a typical marriage, one partner is the pursuer and the other is the withdrawer. Studies show that it is usually the man who wants to avoid these discussions and is more likely in the withdrawing role. However, sometimes the roles reverse. But, for the sake of this discussion, we will assume that the husband is the one who withdraws.
Why does he withdraw? Because he does not feel emotionally safe enough to stay in the argument. Sometimes he may even be afraid that if he stays in the discussion or argument that he might turn violent, so he retreats.
When the husband withdraws, the wife feels shut out and believes that he does not care about the marriage. In other words, lack of talking equals lack of caring. But that is often a negative interpretation about the withdrawer.
He, on the other hand, may believe that his wife gets upset too much of the time, nagging and picking fights. This is also a negative interpretation because most pursuers really want to stay connected and resolve the issue he does not want to talk about.
Each of these four risk factors (escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and avoidance) can build barriers in a marriage leading ultimately to loneliness and isolation.
The research shows that couples that want a good marriage need to eliminate these risk factors from their marriage, or else the negative factors will overwhelm the positive aspects of the marriage. It is never too late to put your marriage back on track.
How can you tell if your marriage is in trouble? There are warning signs

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

STARTING DOWN THE ROAD TOWARDS ROMANCE Part III
Start by taking another look at your spouse. A good, hard look at who they are. Look at your partner with a fresh look, let go of past baggage, and remember all the reasons we love her/him so much. This means stretching past any resentments, and opening up to feeling and giving love more fully.
Start out by thinking about your partner and all the reasons that you fell in love with her/him in the first place. What attracted you to him or her initially? How did you feel when you were around each other? Early in your relationship when you were telling others about this great new person in your life, what did you tell them? Did he make you laugh? Did her smile light up a room?
When we take and look at our partner with the same eyes we had early on in the relationship, we can start seeing that those qualities that attracted you to them in the first place are really still there. They have just been overshadowed by all the other stuff that everyday life entails.
This about what that person means to you. Certainly its more than just someone to be around. Sure, you love the security, but what about the companionship, the things you share, the past you have lived? Maybe there have been some rough patches, but there have been good times too. Remember them, wrap your mind around them, and focus on them. That is what will get you started toward bringing romance back to your marriage.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

STARTING DOWN THE ROAD TOWARDS ROMANCE Part V
Being self-directedtaking personal responsibility for one's own actionsempowers both husband and wife. Rather than feeling victimized, each mate gains greater control over his or her life. A positive, constructive effect begins to transform the marriage. Counselors know that when one mate begins to change for the better, invariably the entire relationship improves.
Many couples are committed to marriage in spite of the self-centered, self-gratifying, self-oriented influences of the world around them. When a husband and wife, struggling to get their own way in marriage, begin to shift their frame of thinking from a demanding to a sustaining and supportive one, they can happily find themselves in a second honeymoon.
Specific steps must be taken to pave the way to a renewed and revitalized relationship. Marital happiness requires demythologizing marriage, fairly evaluating unrealistic expectations and replacing them with the healthy realities of a fulfilling relationship.
What positive steps can you take to rebuild your relationship, to put real romance and love in your marriage?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 14:00:00 +0000

Why Marriages Fail? Part III
The next negative factor that contributes to the erosion of marriage is invalidation. Invalidation is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other.
Invalidation can take many forms. Sometimes it can be caustic, in which one partner (or both) attacks the other person verbally. You can hear, and even feel, the contempt one partner has for another.
Sarcastic phrases like "Well, I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you" or "I forgot how lucky I am to be married to you" can cut like a knife. These are attacks on the person's character and personality that easily destroy a marriage. Research has found that invalidation is one of the best predictors of future problems and divorce.
Invalidation can also be much more subtle. It may involve an argument where contempt for the other partner is not so obvious. One partner may merely be putting the other partner down for his or her feelings.
The message conveyed is that your feelings do not matter. A husband may put his wife down because she is more emotional or because she is more easily hurt by comments. A husband may invalidate a wife's fears about the children's safety. A wife may invalidate a husband's desire to succeed in the company, saying that it really doesn't matter if he becomes district manager.
Ultimately the partner receiving these comments begins to share less and less so that the intimate level of sharing evaporates. When this happens, oneness is lost.
Sometimes invalidation may be nothing more than trite clichs like "It's not so bad". While the sayings may be true, they invalidate the pain or concern of the other partner. They make the other partner feel like their fears or frustrations are inappropriate.
Negative interpretations are the third risk factor toward a failing marriage. Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case.
Such behavior can be a very destructive pattern in a relationship, and quickly erode intimacy and oneness in a marriage. A wife may believe that her husband does not like her parents. As a result, she may attack him anytime he is not overly enthusiastic about visiting them. He may be concerned with the financial cost of going home for Christmas or about whether he has enough vacation time. She, in turn, considers his behavior as disliking her parents.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 14:00:00 +0000

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noreply@blogger.com (Jeniffer Love) — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:00:00 +0000